Is my intro for this essay okay?

Is my intro for this essay okay? Topic: Ideas for cause and effect essay
June 17, 2019 / By Allaster
Question: In 1835, Kingston Penitentiary was built as the first prison in Canada. The installation of this prison was a huge change in Canadian prison system and as the years went on, changes continued to occur. The changes caused the Canadian prison system to progress into a more humane system in Canada. Through the previous state of the prison system, the current state, and the factors that have caused these changes to occur, one can see that it truly has become a more humane system. does it sound okay? THank you :)
Best Answer

Best Answers: Is my intro for this essay okay?

Tawnee Tawnee | 7 days ago
Your wording could use some changes. For instance you could change the first line to, "...was the first prison built in Canada." The last line does not really make sense. Maybe something like, "Through all the various changes the prison system has become more humane." "One can see" and words to that effect give the reader the idea that you don't think much of the readers intellectual ability so you will tell them the conclusion that they need to make.Instead just state your conclusion.
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Tawnee Originally Answered: Should i take an Intro to Business class?
Basic business is in everything, so this will benefit you. I would assume this class is about business...

Robbie Robbie
I just have to say u got homewOrk on ur christimas break!!!! But any ways I think it's an okay starting :)
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Robbie Originally Answered: Help me make my intro paragraph longer?
The paragraph length is fine, but let's cut the ten dollar words. (unless that's what the assignment asks for.) Communication is key. “Everything happens for a reason, even if we are not wise enough to see it," -- Oprah Winfrey. Every event in my life did happen for a reason, and I believe they made me the person I am today. Three foundation moments in my life crafted me. These incredible moments include meeting everyone in my neighborhood, growing up with a sister with a learning disability, and landing my first job. These events taught me things that will stay with me for the rest of my life. I learned these life lessons, and now I will show you how they made me who I am today.
Robbie Originally Answered: Help me make my intro paragraph longer?
First, I would eliminate the word "prodigious" and "procuring" - you don't need them and they stand out as not belonging. Go ahead and just say "getting" or "landing" in place of "procuring". Simple is good, trust me. Next, take each individual event and answer 3 questions about each one as though you were an outsider. Each answer can be one or more sentences in your piece. Like this: Meeting everyone in your neighborhood 1. Who is in your neighborhood? 2. What have they done that has affected you? 3. How do you feel about how they've affected you? Growing up with a sister with a learning disability 1. What exactly is her disability? 2. What has her disability taught you? 3. How does she feel about her disability (or about how it affects you) Getting your first job 1. What job was it? (Title and responsibilities) 2. Why was it important to you, other than the fact that it was your first? 3. What did you learn from this experience that you didn't know before? That should give you 3 middle paragraphs. Then close out by summarizing & restating your 3 events. I hope that helps! Good luck!

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