PLIZ RATE MY FRIEND'S NOVEL ATTEMPT.(he's too shy to get a professional opinion so am going to get it 4 him)?
Topic: How to write a room wanted ad
July 17, 2019 / By Brad Question:
So here's the deal...
My pal's always holed up in his room writing what he claims will one day be a best seller. Of course, being the close friend that I am, it is my honor bound duty to laugh and jest each time he starts to get passionate about his writing. But just this once, I got curious and red the darn thing.
Not wanting to influence your opinion, suffice it to say that am posting it here for a reason...
It's kinda sci-fi so bear with me (or him whichever the case might be...)
The novel's about this girl who grows up to be a world renowned hit man by the age of 12, and is set in 2074 AD Japan Earth. In his book, he begins her journey when she's just 4 years old and goes into amazing detail, documenting the factors that would lead an otherwise normal girl into the cold emotionless world characterized by her chosen profession. And how she holds her own against cybernetically enhanced competition with all sorts of upgrades and gizmos, to emerge on top.
Below is a short excerpt depicting a short interlude in her life where her now emotionally-dead 10 year old self witnesses a cold rainy Christmas outside a rural household( gotta love the delivery, seeing as I could only nick his rough draft and not the proofread updated version...)
If the Tamaki family had chosen that moment to stare out of their window, they would have eyed the young female; roughly the age of their own twin daughters, as she stood barefoot in the downpour. A single solitary figure, in a muddy puddle created by her own quivering feet.
Fortunately or unfortunately, their curtains had been drawn tight and smug that night, lest the infectious gloom and damp intrude upon the jubilant Spirit of Christmas.
She never noticed nor minded the sounds of merriment exuded from the minute bamboo structure. It was not her world, therefore she simply didn't belong.
And so, drenched and chilled to the bone, she watched animatedly as the warm solitary light danced from somewhere behind the slitted walls, moving this way and that before it disappeared, taking with it whatever little comfort it had availed her.
In a fleeting moment of madness, she entertained the idea of appearing uninvited at their doorstep, lost drenched and haggard as she were. She would appeal to their mercy and rely on the peasant's ancient codes of hospitality. They would invite her in and she would share, albeit distantly, in their merriment and jubilations. They would not damn her for her intrusion, but rather would thank her for avail them a chance to give and share the little they had, effectively upholding the dictates of the season's festivities.
Maybe, they'd even ask her to board with them for a little while, their askance being the mere pleasure of her company.
However; no sooner had this notion reared its attractive head, than her sub-conscious shoved it unceremoniously behind the impenetrable steel door located within the deepest recesses of her mind. To be completely honest, the thought hadn't even had the chance to register. Such was the efficiency of her 'coping'.
So she stood, rooted in position, her tiny frame defying both howling wind and stinging hard raindrops, now falling nearly parallel to the ground. Rigid. Unmoving. Shoulders hunched and arms pinned to her sides.
And cold. So very cold...
The thunder gods clapped their malevolence somewhere above her head, but she took little notice.
Instead, she unconsciously balled her little fists and clenched her jaw in an attempt to ward off the shivers. She already sported a cut lip and a sore twice bitten tongue.
The warm sensation of warm blood in her mouth contrasted cruelly with the biting cold. She swallowed none of it, but instead let it flow freely down her chin to mingle freely with the rain.
Banner like, her long hair streamed out, long and lustrous in the occasional lightening flash, and thrashed somewhere to her right. Some stray strands; however, stuck to her face like wispy leeches, framing her delicately cherubic face, but masking her dead eyes.
Like this she stood. Silent. Alone. Patiently watching and following the merry bauble of light whenever it came and waiting unmoving for its return when it went.
She stood for hours, ignoring the insistent cramps in her young muscles.
And when morning came, nothing was left to evidence her nocturnal sigil but two twin sets of fairly young runny footprints in the mud witnessed only by the sun as the two twin daughters ran laps around the lawn in celebration of the storm's end and the worlds of possibility behind each coalesced puddle...
honestly i think he sacrifices content for imagery... whats your take?
Best Answers: PLIZ RATE MY FRIEND'S NOVEL ATTEMPT.(he's too shy to get a professional opinion so am going to get it 4 him)?
Adare | 7 days ago
i think its really good! The imagery is brilliant, although some of the repeated parts, although good, are unnecessary. otherwise, its fantastic.
please read my prologue
👍 162 | 👎 7
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Originally Answered: A poem to rate here, I ask for your professional critique.?
The poem has a few good images, but the language is a bit stilted. What I mean by that is that when you use words like "bestowing" as a noun it shows that the word is not a regular part of your vocabulary, so it comes off a little "stilted" or "contrived". There is nothing wrong with the word, just be careful how you use them. The other issue is the arcane nature of the poem...poems need to communicate, and if they're too vague or obscure, it makes them less effective.
If this can be a tough draft, then I most often should not be too harsh since I'm definite the entire little system defects had been corrected by means of now. But nonetheless. Your pal's writing kind is particularly trustworthy, however I spotted he likes to make use of pompous phrases and expressions that many times don't have compatibility into the context (for example 'eyed the younger feminine' in that context simply is not proper, considering that 'eyeing' by and large signifies that one is creating a mindful attempt of watching at a individual, ordinarily fixedly or with specific awareness. the folks within the condominium could much more likely have 'stuck a glimpse of the feminine', regardless that that too is not ultimate, and I'd simply recommend him to stay with 'obvious' considering that, although it is a extra average phrase, works larger). Also, you are not able to create a puddle within the context of a downpour. You might create a puddle in case you had simply come within a condominium after being out within the rain and dripped far and wide the dry ground, however UNDER the rain, you do not create puddles. There are many such little errors within the excerpt, which must be corrected. I additionally spotted a few incoherence within the man or woman herself. At first, he says that she does not even discover the merriment within the condominium, then he spends a paragraph describing how she imagines coming into the condominium and interacting with the folks in it. It could also be no longer defined why she stands there, barefoot within the bloodless and rain all night time. If she's on a undertaking, then why does she simply stand static for all that point? Why does she ought to be barefoot at the same time doing it? If she's simply misplaced, on the other hand, why no longer take refuge? And but the entire indicators factor at her being on a few variety of undertaking. Then why barefoot? These matters probably defined afterward within the tale, and if they're, then well, since they must be. There also are continuity issues. At a few factor, your pal writes that the rain is falling close to parallel to the bottom. Shortly after, he describes her hair blowing within the wind. What wind, if the rain used to be falling instantly down? That mentioned, the premises of the tale are well. This is certainly some thing I could love to learn in completed style, and the tough draft without doubt has plenty of advantage, so I can simplest suppose how well the proofread and up-to-date manuscript might be like! So maintain encouraging your pal in his writing, and possibly a few day, I'll have the guide on my bookshelf :D
👍 60 | 👎 -1
It's very good writing, but I do tend to agree that there's way too much imagery. It gets confusing and boring after a while - you get a bit lost.
I do like his style though.
However, I have to ask... did you put this on the web without your friend's permission? Or without him knowing? If you did, please do him a favor and take it off. It's not a very morally correct thing to do, especially to a friend, and furthermore, as a writer, I know if someone posted an excerpt of MY novel on the Internet without my permission, I would literally hunt them down and yell bloody murder at them until they took it off. >_> Your friend trusts you with his masterpiece (maybe he shouldn't). Just remember that.
I know that since you're obviously not a writer, you don't think it's a big deal, but trust me. IT IS.
... If you did get permission, none of the above applies. :) It's just that it's happened so many times.
👍 54 | 👎 -9
It's really lovely. It's sad and thoughtful and I like imagery - lol.
The bit I don't like is "And cold. So very cold..."
It sounds kinda like...hm. How to put this... It's easy to parody? You know, too over dramatic or something. And cold is fine, just the 2nd bit.
I like it, I like the idea and I love the japanese world thing. The beginning's good but I don' t get why it's a japanes world? lol. But, it's good.
Does he know you've posted this? Lol, he might be mad...you know plagurism and all that. But it's only a beginning so no worries.
Tell him it's good and a 15yr old girl liked it.
👍 48 | 👎 -17
This is brilliant, I would buy it but, yes, I do think he sacrifices content for imagery and tends to repeat the same information for it in different ways, he doesn't need to do this as the way he describes the surroundings emphasizes on the situation and the young girl.
👍 42 | 👎 -25
Originally Answered: I tell friend its stupid idea but he does not realize. whats your opinion?
Tell him to toss the resume and just use the job application. Usually, if the job site wants a resume, they will let you know it. So he's kind of appearing too eager. Also, has he got any experience? That will make a difference. There is definitely a job out there for him; but he needs to be real serious and ambitious about finding it. Then he has to get past the interview. From what you said about your friend using those c.cards... It sounds like he'd better find something quick. EVEN if it's a Burger King or something like that. Tell him to lay off of the credit..... those are nothing but loans and right now he's borrowing more than money. He's borrowing trouble for his future....
PS Tell him that it's good thing that he has a resume prepared; some employers love those things and rely on them. Of course, I don't know how thrilled they'd be about one that is 3 pages long. I'd like to recommend he reduce it to 1 or 2 pages only. That might help him some. I wish him luck.... Thanks for being a good friend to him. Granny B.