Originally Answered: What do you think of the opening to my story?
Wow! Good writing. Check your punctuation. You should be indenting every time you change speakers. Lack of proper paragraphs will soon confuse any reader. Silent, ready, deadly are powerful words, but they're in the wrong place to open your story. Your hook is strong but gets lost in the first paragraph. Do you want to use, I, for your main character? Or would it be better to use his name in the beginning? I kept with what you are doing, but I think it would be better to use...Raven's eyes lock onto his target. Kill Lord Damon Holt before someone notices, says the assassin inside of him. Just a thought...
My eyes lock onto my target. Kill Lord Damon Holt before someone notices, says the assassin inside of me. I reach behind me to the quiver on my back and pull an arrow free from its soft leather fletching. Bow held steady, I knock the arrow into place with practiced ease. My left arm pulls up as my right arm pulls back, and the bowstring goes taught. The plump old man standing in front of me is a dead man. That's why Hunter and I are here. Holding my breath, like I do before any kill, aim is taken and...
Hunter grabs my arm, pulling my bow down with it. "Wait!" He points in the direction of the door.
I release my breath slowly. A tall, muscular guard stands watch and turns his head in our direction. "Has he seen us?" Hunter and I drop into the brush.
"I doubt it. He would have shoved Lord Holt out of the way and shouted for others." Hunter glares at me. "Next time be more alert!" he whispers. "Your haste could have gotten us caught!"
"You're right. Sorry, Hunt."
Hunt grabs my shoulder and squeezes. "I'll sneak round to the front of the house, hassle one of the servants to draw off the guard." He looks at the guard who is now bent over and talking to Lord Holt. The old man is nodding his head. "Wait until the guard leaves, then kill him fast and run. I'll be right behind you."
Your dialogue is bogged down with words that don't feel like real conversation. Real dialogue moves faster...more to the point...especially now in your story. They're under pressure to get a job done and obviously in a hurry. Make it feel that way by what you show me.
I noticed you're using present and past tense. You can't use both. I kept with present because that's how you began your story. But I think it would be easier and less confusing for you to write your story in past tense.
See if you can tighten your dialogue. You've got a good start here. I'm not trying to write your story for you, but your hook needs to involve me immediately. Give me a reason to keep reading your book. Show me something I can't resist. Create an immediate problem. Don't build tension, then release it too quickly. Keep writing. It's coming along great. You need to work through what I've told you. Good luck.
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