How do you like my book so far? Criticize for 10 points?
Topic: How to write a 10 year life plan
June 17, 2019 / By Charlie Question:
Its not edited.. its a rough draft. Criticize counts a lot. Feel free to be honest.. i like that a lot.. Thanks.
January 1st 1954.
My dearest Diary, my friend,
A new year has come and death from our eyes has yet not left. The days go by with misery and agony; who is next? Whose life will be taken and whose eyes will close and in the darkness will go…forever?
I have witnessed too much; I can bear no longer. From babies and children to adults I have seen come and go. Families have been torn apart and hatred passes through one mans heart and mind. The slayers appear early in the morning and late at night. They never stop. Women are taken to the heart of the land and only God knows how they are treated. Men are either killed for fighting back or are taken to stand beside them. Babies and children are sold or traded.
In mind I have a getaway plan but it is not put in action. No one knows about it and no one will till I have everything that is considered necessary such as rations, water and spare garments. People depend on me and I don’t want to let them down, mainly the families that have thus far not been ragged apart. I have gathered bread and olives but it is not enough. It will only last a day and not all people will have a share. It would be easier if the arrangement was known but no one could be trusted. If a man was to tell before the date then we are doomed but if he told the same night, at least we would be able to pass the river and into the woods. We would stop at different countries for more supplies and whoever wanted to part; then they shall.
I have a child. Her name is Caroline and she is nonetheless ready to go into the darkness. She has her entire life in front of her and it is not fair to sit around and hope while others who have done the same are either dead, beaten up or suffering. Someone must put a foot down and raise his voice. I am determined my dearest diary that that someone will be me.
I am 15 years old. :)
Best Answers: How do you like my book so far? Criticize for 10 points?
Alvar | 10 days ago
Finally, someone who WANTS constructive criticism! There are way too many writers who post things, but really don't to be told how to fix their writing. They just want to be told it is amazing, and that they are a writing prodigy. No one will improve if they are not told how.
First, the nitpicks.
"A new year has come and death from our eyes has yet not left."
This would make more sense if you were to write, "has not yet left".
"Men are either killed for fighting back or are taken to stand beside them."
I don't get what you mean here. I don't know who "they" are.
"In mind I have a getaway plan but it is not put in action."
Just like the other post said, it would make more sense to write, "I have a getaway plan in mind, but it has not been put into action." It would make more sense if you wrote, "has not been put into", also. Don't forget the comma.
"People depend on me and I don’t want to let them down, mainly the families that have thus far not been ragged apart."
This would flow better if you were to write, "People depend on me, mainly the families that have thus far not been torn apart, and I don't want to let them down.
"It will only last a day and not all people will have a share."
This would be better if you wrote, "and everyone will not have a share."
"If a man was to tell before the date then we are doomed but if he told the same night, at least we would be able to pass the river and into the woods."
I am very confused. I don't know what you are trying to say.
"Her name is Caroline and she is nonetheless ready to go into the darkness."
When you say "nonetheless" here, it sounds like you are nonetheless that your child's name is Caroline. You could completely take out the "nonetheless", or write something like, "Her name is Caroline and she is three years old, but nonetheless ready to go into the darkness."
"I am determined my dearest diary that that someone will be me."
Don't forget your commas in front of and behind "my dearest diary".
Now for what I liked!
"Whose life will be taken and whose eyes will close and in the darkness will go…forever?"
"She has her entire life in front of her and it is not fair to sit around and hope while others who have done the same are either dead, beaten up or suffering."
"I am determined my dearest diary that that someone will be me."
I like all of these quotes. They really speak to the reader. I like your piece very much. I really want to know what is happening in your story. I know I had a lot of nitpicks, but your story is very good. plot-wise, there is nothing wrong with it. It is very intriguing, and I want to know more. Much, much more. While you may have grammatical error, you have a lot of talent in the story-writing field, adn that's all that matters. You could have the worst grammar in the world, but that can be fixed. A dull imagination, on the other hand, cannot.
I hope I've helped :D
👍 168 | 👎 10
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We found more questions related to the topic: How to write a 10 year life plan
I really enjoyed reading this and the ending is extremely powerful. I would change the word 'babies' to infants as it fits more with the formal writing style.
I'm not entirely sure what this is meant to mean: 'and hatred passes through one mans heart and mind.'
'In mind I have a getaway plan' - this would be more grammatically correct if it read: I have a getaway plan in mind.
'ragged' would make more sense as: torn
'not all people' is not grammatically correct
perhaps change to: and not all will recieve their share.
You have several tense shifts - 'It would be easier if the arrangement was known but no one could be trusted. If a man was to tell before the date then we are doomed'
It would be clearer if it read: It would be easier if the arrangement was known, but none can be trusted, If a man were to tell before the date, then we would all be doomed.' - something like that, but not quite that :)
The insertation of the word 'nonetheless' doesnt make sense in this context- you have basically said that she is called caroline, but in spite of her being called caroline, she is ready to go into the darkness- which is a little confusing
'in front of her' would better flow as 'ahead of her'
That is just me picking things from a glance, I'd be interested in reading more of this if you write any
It's full of suspense and begs many questions :)
👍 60 | 👎 2
I hate to admit it, but the first critique was kind of right, with harry potter and probably a whole lot of other books, the witches/wizards genre is already "used". Im not saying don't continue, but if you wanna be successful, come up with a twist or something new and exciting, never done before. But other than the cliche thing. Its really good, your a great writer, and I hope you will go far with this its pretty awesome. Its mysterious too. Whats with the weird police officer guy, and the witches and wizards thing...hmm....I sure do want to read it, witches and wizards may be cliche, but a lot of people, including me, read cliche, so don't worry about it
👍 51 | 👎 -6
I liked it a lot. That has tweaked my curiosity I wanted to know more so that is a very good thing. If that is the beginning then it is a little vague not sure what's going on or where but I could sense the sadness and willingness for flight in the character. I could sense the pain in the speaker. All in all very well done. - Cass
👍 42 | 👎 -14
Polish your vocabulary and improve your punctuation. I think you should read your sentences out loud it help you form the sentences in a better manner. Other than that I think your story will be interesting.
Mind if I ask, how old are you?
👍 33 | 👎 -22
I like it a lot, and I really can't find anything to criticize it. Eh.....But I'm really not a professional.
👍 24 | 👎 -30
Originally Answered: Why do people criticize capitalism in the states so much since we haven't had it for almost a century?
Regulated Capitalism, without monopolies kicks the crap out of any marxist nation. You just need the right balance of regulations, along with the elimination of corporate welfare. Free Trade can actually eliminate internal monopolies as well.
People keep trying to kill capitalism, when in truth, all it needs is a tune up... Marxism? Never been tried, because it truly doesn't take human nature into consideration - anyone who has ACTUALLY taken economics would know this by now.
Communism and central economic planning have ALWAYS failed in the past. We are left with only one real option... Capitalism...