Topic: How to write a good book about my life
July 16, 2019 / By Nicola Question:
Is this a good start of the book? Does it seem like the kind of book you would like to read?
Alana looked at the paper she held in her hands in disbelief. She had been accepted to Le Cordon Bleu college in Chicago. Her life long dream was to live in the city and be a chef. She stared at the paper while millions of things went through her head. She felt as if she was flying and spotted a rainbow, slid down it like a slide and landed in a pot of gold. Then, she began to wonder. How will I find a place to stay? Do I quit my job? What about my friends? What about my family?
Alana had no idea where to start, but to run to her parents and tell them the big news. They were extremely proud of her, Alana called up some of her friends, but the one person she couldn't possibly live without, her best friend, Mia. Who she had to tell the amazing news to, Alana sat there with the phone pressed to her ear. Waiting for Mia to pick up as Alana stared at the wall. Mia picked up the phone, "Hey Alana! I was just gonna call you! I Got news to tell you! Meet me at Panera in 10 minutes!" "Ok, see ya there." Alana hung up the phone.
Alana grabbed her keys, got in her car, and started driving, she began to imagine her driving through the city, passing the skyscrapers, the big buildings, the taxis driving past her. A smile rose on her face as she parked in front of Panera.
She walked in and and immediately smelt the fresh bread being toasted. In the corner of her eye she saw Mia waving her hand motioning Alana to come to her table. Alana walked over to the table by the window that her and Mia sit at whenever they come for lunch. They both looked at each other for a moment and then at the same time, said "I got accepted to college!" They both leaped up out of there chairs and gave each other a hug. Alana told Mia where she was accepted, and Mia's jaw immediately dropped. "What?" Alana asked. "I got accepted to the Art Institute, in Chicago!" Mia said excitedly. "We can get an apartment together! It'll be so great!" Alana said. They both shot out of there seat and did their happy dance.
Alana and Mia for the next few weeks rambled on and on about their plans, they looked in advertisement newspapers trying to find apartments in their money range, they looked for weeks and finally found one. An apartment, with 4 rooms. A living room connected to the kitchen, 2 bedrooms, and 1 bathroom.
About 4 days after seeing the advertisement in the newspaper Alana and Mia decided to go down to check out the apartment. They got ready for the 7 hour car ride, from Missouri to Chicago, Illinois.
They both got in the car and were ecstatic to see their soon to be home, and drive pass their soon to be colleges. They bumped up the music and sang along.
About half way there the car started making weird noises and slowing down, so Mia drove to the side of the road and the car just stopped. "What's happening?" Alana asked "It's empty." Mia said angrily. "Well, where's the nearest gas station?" Alana asked curiously. "3 miles." Mia said "ok, thats ok let's start walking." Alana said. Mia just shook her head and they started walking. They were both silent most of the way looking straight towards them, then they glanced at each other and started cracking up. "It's just a bump in the road, but were on our way, and we will be at that apartment in the blink of an eye!" Alana said. "Come on, I can see gas station down the road."
They got the gas and headed back to the car. "Wait, how do we know our way back?" Alana asked frustratedly. Mia looked at Alana and smirked. "What?" Alana asked. "You know that big bag of M&M's I brought along?" Mia asked. "Ya." Alana said "I was making a trail with them." Mia said. "This is why you are my best friend!" Alana smiled. They both laughed as they followed the trail of M&M's.
Lyndsey | 3 days ago
It's good, but it could use some tightening. For instance, "Alana looked at the paper she held in her hands in disbelief." You don't need "she held in her hands" because it's obvious she's holding the paper and you don't need to tell us that!
You could shorten that to: Alana stared at the letter in disbelief. She had been accepted to Le Cordon Bleu college in Chicago! Her life long dream was to live in the city and be a chef. She felt as if she was flying....etc.
You could omit "She stared at the paper while millions of things went through her head." because millions of things is too vague. You do a good job of showing us how excited with "she felt as if...etc."
Anyway, I hope you get what I mean by tightening up. You don't need to detail every movement a character makes, such as hanging up a phone because everybody does that when they end a call, and your reader will know that without you telling us.
BTW, I ran out of gas once near a station. The guy drove me back to my car, filled up the tank and took his gas can back.
Let's hope the birds didn't eat their M&Ms.
Originally Answered: Is this a good start to a book?
First of all, dump the introduction. Introductions and prologues get in the way of the story. When a reader picks up a book, he wants to begin with the story.
OK biggest problem; too wordy
1st sentence: Yawning, Zero stood onto his paws. == What else is he going to stand on? Dump this sentence. Don't put thigs in your novel that are obvious to the reader even without them in.
2nd sentence: The steel floor was freezing to his pads. == floors do NOT freeze to pads. Pads freeze to floors. Rewrite
Next problem: You're changing tense. Write in past tense. That is the tense readers prefer.
So, a fix up to the first sentences could be:
Zero yawned, stood. His pads froze to the steel floor.
Skip the he grimaced when he inhaled. You essentially say that in the next sentence
A stomach-churning scent invaded his nostrils. == this is good, it's both active voice and past tense.
So in just the first few sentences, hgretting rid of the extra words, you might have:
Zero yawned, stood. His pads froze to the steel floor. A stomach-churning scent invaded his nostrils
The rewrite is 16 words; the original was 25 words, over 50 pct longer. and really didn't say anything more of importance.
Blinking rapidly == that is present tese. Blinked rapidly would be past tense.
My big problem is that, as a reader, I don't yet have a clue of who or what Zero is. My GUESS; an animal. Don't do that to your reader. You must introduce your main character in the first few sentences. You want your readers to start bonding with the main character as early as possible, not guessing who or what they are..
I assumed an animal because of the use of the word "pads." Let's assume Zero is a lion
No one doubted that Zero was the king of kings among all of the lion herds
Or, if Zero is a person.
Zero had won every award for strength. No others came close to his abilities.
Zero stepped backwards and glanced left and right, realizing that the suffocating smell was coming from urine and feces running through the cracks below and lining the rusted walls.
This is a 29-word sentence, getting pretty long.
Also, if I read that sentnece standing at a shelf in a bookstore, I would have returned it to the shelf. I found ity offensie. That does not mean it is offensive to all; but you are cutting down your audience with that in it.
Originally Answered: Is this a good start to a book?
He seems fairly likable for a 'ruthless' character. I like the idea of a human and a anthropomorphic wolf.
Its okay. The begining is slow and theres no real hook. And how they talked about there plans for the next few weeeks is just weird. Theres also no point even though this is the begining of the story. No offense but its kinda bland. But you can fix it.
I like it! It started out really cute and funny, and then it slowly started to get creepy towards the ending. Is this going to be a horror story with something bad happening to them? I really want to know what happens next!! Please could you post the rest of your story again!! :D